Escalation of Conflict
How conflict scales.
When we assert shifts in our outward identity, we thrust change upon others. We compel them to accommodate our new ways. That doesn't always go smoothly. We are likely to meet with some resistance, but what kind of resistance?
To negotiate the price we are willing to pay, we need to assess what costs to anticipate.
Let’s start with how resistance escalates.
Chafing . . .
Imposed expectations and assumptions —
Implicit reliance on an unstated shared agreement, or what is believed to be shared perspective
Looks like “should”; “obviously”; “they never”; “we always”; “what happened (to deviate from our norm)?”
Identify, state, clarify, negotiate; make boundaries and terms of shared agreements more explicit and clear
Challenge questioning —
Initial direct challenge to an action; still open to explanation and clarification, but with clear concern detectable
Looks like “Why would you do that?”; “What do you think you’re doing?”
Watch for power dynamic, watch for tone of voice; “Why do you ask?”; fill in gaps in data as warranted
Devil’s Advocate —
A somewhat systematic intentional role-play to discover and examine potential issues with a third party topic, yet sometimes applied as a technique to explore feelings around potential alternative options; a technique when invited, but an aggression when unsolicited
Looks like leading logic and rationales; “I don’t mean to X, but what about Y?”; “Have you considered Z?”; “Let me just play Devil’s Advocate for a minute”; may take the form of an effort to sway opinions of other audiences
Determine whether assistance is welcomed or an aggression; set and hold scope; extend more intensive questions; seek to understand, mitigate; discussion to unearth and expose potential issues with intention to get ahead of problems; pre-mortem
Potshots —
Finding problems with intent to weaponize, to torpedo objective; accusations; sarcasm, snarkyness with deniability; shift into making it personal
Looks like “You”: “Why do you always do this?”; “You made a mess of things”; “You are so X”
Disciplinary Action —
Formal or informal application of formal or fiscal authority to announce specific intended changes with some real authority to be applied in enforcement; complaint filed; performance improvement plan; penalty fee; challenge of fees or withheld payment; legal actions
With Intention and Malice
Gaslighting —
Subtle intentional emotional/psychological manipulation; reverse psychology; sowing confusion; misinformation; rewriting history
Looks like “Can’t you take a joke?”; “I don’t know what you’re talking about”; “That never happened”; “You must be confused”
Passive-Aggressive —
Indirect subterfuge; misdirected emotion, transference; antagonist may have no awareness of outward behavior
Looks like procrastination; minor errors; cranky, icy attitude; excuses; verbal denial of anger or issue; silent treatment
Emotional violence —
Directly targeted bullying; harassment; shaming; shunning; scorn; name-calling; accusations; grudges from history; emotional and not rationally resolvable
Humiliation —
Efforts to diminish reputation with a public audience; public emotional violence
Looks like public theatrical displays of accusation, mocking, ridicule, shaming
Meddling —
Intervening, exerting controlling behavior and actions; reputation sullying; setting up and picking sides; enlisting accomplices
Looks like interjecting changes without consent or approval; side conversations to sway support or enlist fellow antagonists; sabotage or subversion
Anger expression —
Direct expression of frustration and irritation
Looks like “This is really making me mad.”; cursing generally or at situation; raised voice, emotional voice; crying
Deimatic displays —
Physical expansion of presence and energy with the intention to intimidate, threaten physicality
Looks like a turkey puffing up; overly dramatic physicality; charging or lurching; banging, overturning, or throwing for affect
With Intention to Inflict Damages
Destruction of objects —
Physical violence directed toward inanimate objects; redirection of rage as both outlet and warning; vandalism
Physical violence —
Striking a person, or third party living being, e.g., a child, pet, etc; sexual assault
Hostages —
Victimizing third parties with the intent of inflicting pain on both the victim and the witness; innocent bystanders, involved third parties
Looks like redirecting of emotional or physical violence; when a parent redirects onto another parent or sibling; when a supervisor redirects onto other members of the team; “Nobody is getting anything now”
Revenge —
Delayed retaliatory action; meddling after the fact